Daniella Perkins: Ruby's Diary, Entry 1


For 25 years, I thought I’d never write in a diary again. I used to be a normal teenager, worried about friends and school and boys. That was before everything changed. I didn’t have time to write in a diary when I was busy thinking of how to survive each day. Now, Claudia’s gone, and I’m not trapped underground any longer. I suppose this is back to normal, at least as much as it can be. But, how can you go back to normal when there’s no normal to go back to?

There are so many ways I still feel like a teenager. After all, I never got to live a typical teenage life: graduation, getting a job, growing older. It’s kind of a paradox: I’ll be stuck in my teenage body forever without the chance to make the choices that help me grow up. When I saw Maya, it made me realize who I could be in this moment. What I’d look like, the kind of house I’d live in, the family I’d hope to have. That’s who I would be, if everything hadn’t gotten so messed up. My mind keeps getting older, but my body is stuck.

Then, there’s the teenage part of me: the girl who can’t help but think longingly about her crush, and the girl who stands up for what’s right, even when it means going against the crowd. The first part is about Theo, of course, but I know I have to leave that in the past. I’m a vampire - irrevocably different from his human world, from the life he has to live. I have to let Theo go toward his future, instead of holding onto the past. But I can’t help but think of him constantly. I guess in my case, the more you care about someone, the more important it is to let them go.

When it comes to standing up for what’s right, I don’t regret defending Claudia to Maisie and Amber. Claudia may have made us vampires, but she’s the only reason we survived. When I think about those years in the caves, the dangers we faced, I feel the tiniest bit lucky to have come across Claudia. I may not be human, but I get to feel happiness and excitement and love, and isn’t that what anyone needs?

I may be (finally) standing on solid ground, but I have to find my footing. It’s time to let go of the past, breathe in today’s air, and walk into a new future.